This was Going to Be a Pregnancy Announcement but...

I write this for those who have lost a baby in or out of the womb.  For those longing to be mothers but nothing seems to be happening.  I write for those who have a growing belly and are not sure if they will be a good momma because they never had baby fever, questioning if they will ever bond with their baby.  I write this to tell you that you are not alone and there is a God who is even more faithful than we can ever imagine. 

It was mid-June. We learned I was pregnant with our 5th child.  We were excited and a bit overwhelmed but we serve a good God.  He has better plans than we do. 

The weekend after the 4th of July I went on a girls trip to Chicago with a friend to enjoy the city and go to our friend’s baby shower.  Since I was only 6 to 7 weeks along, we weren’t telling anyone yet.  The evening my friend and I got into Chicago, I started bleeding.  I told my friend so we could pray and our group prayer message at our church.  I didn’t want to lose this baby.  That night in my prayer journal I asked God to save this little life but Your will be done.  I asked Him to help me walk this path, whatever it was to be and to help me trust Him no matter what.  That was the hardest prayer to ask when your heart is breaking.  I stopped bleeding that night.  

Saturday we had a blast running around downtown Chicago and that evening we went to Harvest Bible Chapel for church.   The song they opened their worship service with was “It is Well with My Soul.”  I started sobbing.  This hymn followed me around during my first two miscarriages. I knew at that moment, God had me right in His hands.  As the worship went on between the songs and the sermon, Psalm 23 was preached on, God used everything to speak to my heart.  I knew everything was going to be okay and I had complete peace no matter what happened with this baby. 

I started bleeding again on Monday and I went to see my midwife.  She told me I was bleeding too much for a normal pregnancy.  I knew then God had taken this baby home.  I had an ultrasound and we saw there was no movement.  But I had peace. 

Aaron stayed home with me for most of the week while everything passed.  I cried, we prayed but knew even though our situation was heartbreaking, we had peace.  God was holding us as we went through this again.  

This was going to be a pregnancy announcement but instead, I serve a God more faithful than I thought.  Yes, it hurts to lose another baby, but to see how much God has changed me through the hurt and pain, I know He worked everything out for good and His glory.  All three of our babies served their purpose and are with Him.  And I’m so excited to meet them in Heaven. 

 It is well with my soul.

Is Eleanor Your First Baby? No, She's Our Third

As Aaron and I get closer to Eleanor's arrival, we are so excited to meet our baby girl.  Every time I feel her moving, I wonder what she looks like, or what will she be like.  Everyone is always asking us is she our first.  Eleanor is our third.

Last winter, our church was going through the book of Job.  I remember being excited about it because it's such a good book of the Bible.  But when the sermon series started, I hated it.  God was using it to show me where my heart was with Him.  At the time, I was angry with Him and I didn't like that I was angry with Him.  I realized I blamed God for my two miscarriages.

When Aaron and I became pregnant the first time,  I was surprised at how long it took.  Which helped break down some lies I was believing when it came to pregnancy.  Aaron and I were excited but I had to come to terms with, well wait.  We are going to be parents.  Am I ready? Is this really happening? We told our families on mothers day of 2014, which was exciting to share the news on that day.  I was 5 weeks along.  That Tuesday, May 13th,  I started bleeding.

We called my doctor and she ordered a blood test to see if my pregnancy hormone levels would go up.  They were going down.  By the end of the week I miscarried our first baby.

First, I thought I brought it myself because I wasn't sure if I was ready to be parent yet.  My head filled with so many lies.  But I found myself clinging to God.  I knew there was a purpose for everything, good and bad, and I found peace in God's sovereignty.

Our first little baby would of been born January 7th, 2015. Now, he is up in Heaven with Jesus.

After this miscarriage, I was not ready to be pregnant again. But God was so gracious and faithful that summer.  He healed my heart and my faith grew in Him.

Fall of 2014 during service at church, I felt God lay on my heart to trust Him again with babies.  I was nervous about it but I told Aaron.  We prayed about it and then decided to trust God again.  We became pregnant right away.  Again, my mind and heart asked the questions was I ready to be a parent?  But I found my heart was softer and knowing God was behind us in it, gave me peace.  We decided to wait to tell our families on Thanksgiving.  We only told our house mates we were living with at the time.  Part of my motivation for waiting was because it was the holiday but also, if I'm honest, I had a small fear I could miscarry again.  It was a struggle to keep that thought out of my mind.

Last October, our close friends got married.  I was a little worried people were going to figure out I was pregnant because I wasn't drinking.   We had a blast that night.  Yes, it was a chilly fall day, but we were so excited for our friends who were tying the knot.  I remember feeling slightly off and crampy, but that comes with pregnant in the first trimester.  I didn't think much of it.  On our way home from the wedding, we stopped to use the bathroom.  I had started bleeding.  I became numb and kept asking God, "What are You doing?"  I was 5 weeks along and that was a year ago today.  October 18th 2014.

I got my blood work done that week and my pregnancy hormone levels were going down.  That was probably the hardest week for me that year and this miscarriage was hitting me a lot harder than the last.  I had thought, "I had trusted God.  He wanted this baby to come so why am I miscarrying again?"  I sat around a lot that week.  Watched a lot of netflix and turned my back to God.  I didn't want to talk to Him.  I had trusted Him.  Why would He let this happen after Aaron and I trusted Him with this?  I buried my feelings and didn't go to God with them.

We ended up telling our families what had happened, which was really hard.

This little baby would of been born June 14th, 2015.  He is in Heaven with our other little one, dancing with Jesus.

The two  biggest things I struggled with, with the seconded miscarriage was that fact I couldn't wrap my mind around that fact that Aaron and I did what God was telling us to do and still, I thought at the time, He wasn't being faithful.  Which then made me think of the first one and started to believe He hadn't been faithful with that one.  Second, because we chose not to tell anyone we were pregnant but our house mates, I felt really alone in it.  Emily, one of our house mates, was really sweet and gracious to me.  We had really some really good talks and I will be forever grateful for those times.  But I still felt alone.  I felt like I wasn't allowed to tell anyone one else but those who knew.  I didn't talk to God at all about any of this.  I wanted comfort and love.  I felt like I deserved it but it was awkward to tell others that we were pregnant and now we're not.   How are you?  Again, I kept God out of all of this.  I didn't want to trust him.

When our church started going through the book of Job, like I said before, I hated it.  It took me so long to say to God I was angry at Him for what "He had done to me."  My heart was softer to being a parent.  I was excited.  I thought He had our back.  God, what are You doing?  It was hard to be there and be truthful to myself about it.  I hated the fact I was angry at God because I knew/know how good God is.  It was such a conflicting thing.  I started opening up to God about what I was feeling and why, and to others at church.

The Sunday our church was ending the series, I want to say either the Friday or Saturday before, Aaron and I were laying in bed praying.  He said his prayer then I started with mine.  For some reason I decided I was going to be totally honest with God with both miscarriages.  I wanted to tell God to His face He wasn't faithful with either of my first two pregnancies.  But then I stopped right before I said it.  I knew right then that if I said that to God, it wasn't true and I would be lying about God.  God very clearly put on my heart, "I am God. You are not. I am faithful
." I felt so humbled in that moment and oddly enough, a wave of peace came over me.  God was faithful in my first two pregnancies even though the outcome was not what Aaron and I expected.  That Sunday when the Job series ended, Pastor Dan preached on when God asked Job, "Were you there when I created the world?"  I was totally humbled again because I realized that is what God did to me while I was praying.

Also on that Sunday another friend checked in on me to see how I was doing.  I told her that I was doing better and told her what God had done that week. I also told her that I wasn't in the mood to be pregnant again any time soon.  I felt I wasn't ready and we weren't trying.  Then jokingly I said, "It would be so like God to get me pregnant to prove a point to me."  That Wednesday, Aaron and I found out we were pregnant with Eleanor.

All that said, as much as it hurt, I'm grateful to God He lead us through all of it.  I write that with tears in my eyes because I know He is still healing me.  Aaron and his rock solid faith in Christ never doubted what God was doing.  Aaron was and still is such a blessing to me with all of this.  God used both miscarriages to soften my heart to becoming a parent,  taught me how to trust Him even when He leads me into a storm, and shown me how He used the miscarriages to be faithful in other aspects of my life which blows my mind, and we wouldn't be having our baby girl in 4 weeks if we hadn't lost those other babies.

Each of our babies had or has a purpose.  I grateful for being able to carry those first two babies and looking forward to meeting them in Heaven. God used them for His glory and now they are hanging out with Him.  I've already started to see how God is using Eleanor for His glory.  It's really cool to see.

This isn't talked about and I write today for those women who feel like they can't talk about what it is like to have a miscarriage.  Those who feel trapped that they can't talk about their pain.  I love you.  So does God.  I wanted to share my story because I want to tell you that you are not alone and there are so many women out there like you.  When we let ourselves talk about it, there is healing.  When we go to God about it, He can heal it all.

I learned a month ago that the hymn "It is Well with My Soul" was penned by a man who lost all his children.  I had no idea that was the context of that hymn.  With both miscarriages, that hymn always seemed to find my ears.  I am so grateful for God being faithful even those small things.

It is well with my soul.  








 

My Deep Need

As I sit and look out at the foot of snow, or more, I find I find it very poetic I have a cold on this first dumping of snow. Thanks Lake Erie.  It's given me some time to reflect and think about somethings God has been teaching me lately.

Normally on Friday's I help teach two classes at  a Christian homeschooling co-op called HEARTS.  I help teach Mission's in Action(MIA) with my awesome cousin, Bethany, and drama with the lovely Mrs. A.  I found while studying and praying for MIA, God showed me things for class but also used the chapter for things going on in my life.

We are going through the book of Ephesians and today was chapter 4.  Even though I wasn't able to be there, I got to send my notes (in summery form) over to Bethany for class.  Chapter 4 is about unity in the body of Christ and out knew life in Christ.  I've always read this chapter and have been, "Yep. Okay. Got it.  Let's move on."  But I found God's words to be more personal and inviting this time around.

Unity in the body of Christ in today's world means:
-Let's forget denominations.
-Love each other and except sin.
-If our basic convictions don't line up, let's put those aside so we can be unified (I didn't mean to rhyme there), and show the world how amazing we are at loving each other and the world.

That's not the picture Paul paints in Chapter 4 of Ephesians.  He paints a picture of unity through the Gospel of Christ calling Christians to walk a manner worthy of their calling.  Or in other words, living a godly lifestyle according to what the bible says.  Not to be a "good Christian" but following your new desires God has given to you in Christ.  Now, Paul tells us to live our Christian calling with humility, gentleness, and with lots of patience, bearing with each other in love.  The word that jumped out at me in 4:3 was eager.  I looked it up in the greek and it means to give diligence.  And in context with what Paul is saying is that we, as followers of Christ, need to be diligent in pursing unity in the body.  There is an eagerness to do this with humility, gentleness, patience, and love.  This can only be done by obeying the Holy Spirit in our day to day lives and taking off the old and putting on the new.  That all said, and I hope it wasn't confusing, this is where it got personal for me.

God has been so faithful in my day to day in the last month or so.  He has nudged me along to do things for Him and others instead of my flesh or what I want to do.  It's so hard! But God is there and I just have to make the choice. In other words, take off the old and put on the new. I want unity in the the body but that unity won't come until I am obeying God in my day to day life.  We all need to do that as followers of Christ.  As I go deeper into God's Word, I find my need for Christ so much than I've ever felt possible.

My deep need for Christ is like my deep need for water on a hot summer day.  I can't go without Christ or I fall apart.  The body can't go with out Christ or there is no unity.

Father,
I pray for unity in Your church.  I pray all Your children will seek you daily and have an eagerness to walk according to what you have called us to with humility, gentleness, patience, and love.  Help us see where you are moving and give us wisdom and discernment.  I pray all members of the body are working properly so Your church my grow and builds itself up in love.  I thank you for what you are doing and I love you so much.  Thank you for my need for Christ.

In Jesus Name,
Amen.

He Walks with You

He walks with you.
No matter what you are going through
or how you are feeling.
He walks with you.

Why?

Because of the cross
Christ died for you before you ever knew Him.
While you were turned away from Him
pursing the things of this world.
Dead in sin.
Christ died for you.

He made you alive.

So
He walks with you.
Not because you're great.
Not because you did good.

But...

Because of Who He is.
He's great.
He's good.
He's faithful.
He's holy.

He wanted to free you of the sins that enslave you.
He wanted to give you something better.

Himself.
It would be un-loving of God to give you anything less.
He loves you that much.

He walks with you.

Confession

When you see someone you love step out in faith to trust God in a away they have never done before, your heart melts.  There is an unexplainable joy and grace you feel spilling out and all you want to do is love them more.

Then this morning I realized something.  When we go to Christ and confess our sin to Him, He smiles. Not because God gets a kick out of pointing out He's right and we are wrong, no.  Christ smiles because we are turing to Him, to trust Him with our sin on the cross.  We choose God and He can give us life, blessing, and Himself (which is the best gift in the world).  I believe when we confess our sin to Jesus Christ and turn to Him, He explodes with joy, grace, and love from Heaven.

Doubt

When is the last time you’ve gotten some free time? We are so busy now a days. I’ve got three jobs, four if you count homeschooling co-op I’m serving in, but some how, God has blessed me with extra time. But what do I do with that extra time? I spend it on the internet or watching something on Netflix. It makes me wonder... What should I really be doing? I thought of this while writing curriculum at a coffee shop today.

 While I was in seminary, my free time was a huge blessing! When I would have free time, I would use it to renew my mind with God’s truth by spending time with God, watching sermons, or finding godly resources online to further grow my knowledge of God. Now, I find myself still looking to the sermons online and godly recourses but it’s different. God is doing something in my heart. They aren’t as interesting anymore. He’s challenging me to apply everything I’ve been learning over the past two years for His Kingdom. That scares me. Not because I’m fearful of what will happen but, I’m fearful of what will happen. Or in other words, I know God is with me every step of the way and He’s prepared my heart for this, but it’s what He’ll do. My desire is to see God work in me and through me for the growth of His kingdom and for His glory, but that all scares me. So I find myself watching Netflix or on the internet.

 As I write this, I’ve realized that my fear seeing what God will do, is really my unbelief and doubt of Him. Ouch, Holy Spirit. Lord, Help my unbelief.

 How many of us do this? Once we get to this stage in our walk with Christ, because we like our comforts which makes it easy to doubt, choose to do something else with our free time?

 Yesterday, I heard an argument a man was having over the phone with is girlfriend. He was in so much pain. He was crying, stating all he had was himself, and he was nothing. That broke my heart. It reminded me that we live a dying world who needs Christ dispersedly. And yet, we the church, doubt God. We choose to turn our heads, close our eyes and ears, and watch the next episode of Once Upon a Time (Or whatever show you watch on Netflix/internet).

Restless

It has been forever! I've graduated from seminary, Praise God, and married an amazing, godly man. Life is pretty good but I find myself restless. At bible study last night I expressed this by saying I don't want to fall into the trap of comfortable churcheanity(sp). Just living life, going to a bible study and church every week and sitting on the side lines of the kingdom. God taught me so much a McCormick, and He did amazing things there with me. He showed me so much, and as this world gets darker, I don't want to sit back and do nothing. At school, I felt I was on the front lines all the time, and I had to stand on the Truth, Jesus Christ or fail. God did amazing things! Now in this awesome season of blessings, I find myself getting comfortable yet restless. I don't want to be comfortable. I wasn't comfortable for two years. The Christian life ins't supposed to be comfortable. It's dying to yourself. I am grateful for this time of blessing, don't get me wrong, I just want to do something with all seeds from the fruit that has sprouted. I want to plant seeds, tell people about Jesus Christ and what He's done. I want to do that in all aspects of my life. (I prayed for this. God is faithful!)

My heart is to tell people that they don't have to choose their sin anymore. I know sin is a bad word/hateful word in some people's eyes. But is hurts us. We all have those things we don't tell anyone we do because of our shame or what other's may think. Lust, lying, the need for power/control, or whatever we do. We all have secrets in our lives. Yes, we all have our reasons for doing this stuff but up to a holy, just God, our reasons mean nothing to God. That's what makes the Gospel so good. It's as if we are on trail for something and right before we are judged, the judge comes down off the stand and says, "I'm paying your fine because I love you," and you are free to go. Jesus Christ, God, came down from the Heaven and lived the perfect life. He died on the cross for the world's sin, took the wrath of God upon Him, died, and rose again three day's later. Because God is just He has to punish sin. But because God is love, He sent His Son to the cross. The cross of Christ it where love and justice meet. God doesn't want anyone to parish, so He made a way. We must repent of our sin, turn to God, and trust in Christ alone. This is such a gift! This is what I mean when I want to tell people they don't have to choose their sin anymore. I pray my life says this in every way. It brings me to tears seeing what God had freed me from and I want that for you. What hurts you? What do you feel like you can't live with out in this world? What do you want control over so you don't have to feel that pain anymore? Jesus can free you from all this. Trust me. I've been their and I am still wrestling with some of these things. And I want to clarify something. I do not believe I am better that anyone because I believe this. My intent is not to put you down or make you feel bad. My heart is that I care and want the best for people. There was a time when I thought all bible believing Christians were nuts and hateful, and yes. Some are. That is not where I am coming from. I am a person who God pulled from the pit, trying to control her life, lost trying to find her way. I am such a wretch, I still can't grasp why God wanted a sinner like me. All I want people to know is that there is a way out of sin, freedom, life, and eternal life with God. These were just my thoughts and I've realized something. I don't want to hide anymore. I'm sorry if I've ever hid this from you. That was my fear of your judgement. I'm sorry for hiding. I love you and so does God.