Doubt

When is the last time you’ve gotten some free time? We are so busy now a days. I’ve got three jobs, four if you count homeschooling co-op I’m serving in, but some how, God has blessed me with extra time. But what do I do with that extra time? I spend it on the internet or watching something on Netflix. It makes me wonder... What should I really be doing? I thought of this while writing curriculum at a coffee shop today.

 While I was in seminary, my free time was a huge blessing! When I would have free time, I would use it to renew my mind with God’s truth by spending time with God, watching sermons, or finding godly resources online to further grow my knowledge of God. Now, I find myself still looking to the sermons online and godly recourses but it’s different. God is doing something in my heart. They aren’t as interesting anymore. He’s challenging me to apply everything I’ve been learning over the past two years for His Kingdom. That scares me. Not because I’m fearful of what will happen but, I’m fearful of what will happen. Or in other words, I know God is with me every step of the way and He’s prepared my heart for this, but it’s what He’ll do. My desire is to see God work in me and through me for the growth of His kingdom and for His glory, but that all scares me. So I find myself watching Netflix or on the internet.

 As I write this, I’ve realized that my fear seeing what God will do, is really my unbelief and doubt of Him. Ouch, Holy Spirit. Lord, Help my unbelief.

 How many of us do this? Once we get to this stage in our walk with Christ, because we like our comforts which makes it easy to doubt, choose to do something else with our free time?

 Yesterday, I heard an argument a man was having over the phone with is girlfriend. He was in so much pain. He was crying, stating all he had was himself, and he was nothing. That broke my heart. It reminded me that we live a dying world who needs Christ dispersedly. And yet, we the church, doubt God. We choose to turn our heads, close our eyes and ears, and watch the next episode of Once Upon a Time (Or whatever show you watch on Netflix/internet).

Restless

It has been forever! I've graduated from seminary, Praise God, and married an amazing, godly man. Life is pretty good but I find myself restless. At bible study last night I expressed this by saying I don't want to fall into the trap of comfortable churcheanity(sp). Just living life, going to a bible study and church every week and sitting on the side lines of the kingdom. God taught me so much a McCormick, and He did amazing things there with me. He showed me so much, and as this world gets darker, I don't want to sit back and do nothing. At school, I felt I was on the front lines all the time, and I had to stand on the Truth, Jesus Christ or fail. God did amazing things! Now in this awesome season of blessings, I find myself getting comfortable yet restless. I don't want to be comfortable. I wasn't comfortable for two years. The Christian life ins't supposed to be comfortable. It's dying to yourself. I am grateful for this time of blessing, don't get me wrong, I just want to do something with all seeds from the fruit that has sprouted. I want to plant seeds, tell people about Jesus Christ and what He's done. I want to do that in all aspects of my life. (I prayed for this. God is faithful!)

My heart is to tell people that they don't have to choose their sin anymore. I know sin is a bad word/hateful word in some people's eyes. But is hurts us. We all have those things we don't tell anyone we do because of our shame or what other's may think. Lust, lying, the need for power/control, or whatever we do. We all have secrets in our lives. Yes, we all have our reasons for doing this stuff but up to a holy, just God, our reasons mean nothing to God. That's what makes the Gospel so good. It's as if we are on trail for something and right before we are judged, the judge comes down off the stand and says, "I'm paying your fine because I love you," and you are free to go. Jesus Christ, God, came down from the Heaven and lived the perfect life. He died on the cross for the world's sin, took the wrath of God upon Him, died, and rose again three day's later. Because God is just He has to punish sin. But because God is love, He sent His Son to the cross. The cross of Christ it where love and justice meet. God doesn't want anyone to parish, so He made a way. We must repent of our sin, turn to God, and trust in Christ alone. This is such a gift! This is what I mean when I want to tell people they don't have to choose their sin anymore. I pray my life says this in every way. It brings me to tears seeing what God had freed me from and I want that for you. What hurts you? What do you feel like you can't live with out in this world? What do you want control over so you don't have to feel that pain anymore? Jesus can free you from all this. Trust me. I've been their and I am still wrestling with some of these things. And I want to clarify something. I do not believe I am better that anyone because I believe this. My intent is not to put you down or make you feel bad. My heart is that I care and want the best for people. There was a time when I thought all bible believing Christians were nuts and hateful, and yes. Some are. That is not where I am coming from. I am a person who God pulled from the pit, trying to control her life, lost trying to find her way. I am such a wretch, I still can't grasp why God wanted a sinner like me. All I want people to know is that there is a way out of sin, freedom, life, and eternal life with God. These were just my thoughts and I've realized something. I don't want to hide anymore. I'm sorry if I've ever hid this from you. That was my fear of your judgement. I'm sorry for hiding. I love you and so does God.