Last winter, our church was going through the book of Job. I remember being excited about it because it's such a good book of the Bible. But when the sermon series started, I hated it. God was using it to show me where my heart was with Him. At the time, I was angry with Him and I didn't like that I was angry with Him. I realized I blamed God for my two miscarriages.
When Aaron and I became pregnant the first time, I was surprised at how long it took. Which helped break down some lies I was believing when it came to pregnancy. Aaron and I were excited but I had to come to terms with, well wait. We are going to be parents. Am I ready? Is this really happening? We told our families on mothers day of 2014, which was exciting to share the news on that day. I was 5 weeks along. That Tuesday, May 13th, I started bleeding.
We called my doctor and she ordered a blood test to see if my pregnancy hormone levels would go up. They were going down. By the end of the week I miscarried our first baby.
First, I thought I brought it myself because I wasn't sure if I was ready to be parent yet. My head filled with so many lies. But I found myself clinging to God. I knew there was a purpose for everything, good and bad, and I found peace in God's sovereignty.
Our first little baby would of been born January 7th, 2015. Now, he is up in Heaven with Jesus.
After this miscarriage, I was not ready to be pregnant again. But God was so gracious and faithful that summer. He healed my heart and my faith grew in Him.
Fall of 2014 during service at church, I felt God lay on my heart to trust Him again with babies. I was nervous about it but I told Aaron. We prayed about it and then decided to trust God again. We became pregnant right away. Again, my mind and heart asked the questions was I ready to be a parent? But I found my heart was softer and knowing God was behind us in it, gave me peace. We decided to wait to tell our families on Thanksgiving. We only told our house mates we were living with at the time. Part of my motivation for waiting was because it was the holiday but also, if I'm honest, I had a small fear I could miscarry again. It was a struggle to keep that thought out of my mind.
Last October, our close friends got married. I was a little worried people were going to figure out I was pregnant because I wasn't drinking. We had a blast that night. Yes, it was a chilly fall day, but we were so excited for our friends who were tying the knot. I remember feeling slightly off and crampy, but that comes with pregnant in the first trimester. I didn't think much of it. On our way home from the wedding, we stopped to use the bathroom. I had started bleeding. I became numb and kept asking God, "What are You doing?" I was 5 weeks along and that was a year ago today. October 18th 2014.
I got my blood work done that week and my pregnancy hormone levels were going down. That was probably the hardest week for me that year and this miscarriage was hitting me a lot harder than the last. I had thought, "I had trusted God. He wanted this baby to come so why am I miscarrying again?" I sat around a lot that week. Watched a lot of netflix and turned my back to God. I didn't want to talk to Him. I had trusted Him. Why would He let this happen after Aaron and I trusted Him with this? I buried my feelings and didn't go to God with them.
We ended up telling our families what had happened, which was really hard.
This little baby would of been born June 14th, 2015. He is in Heaven with our other little one, dancing with Jesus.
The two biggest things I struggled with, with the seconded miscarriage was that fact I couldn't wrap my mind around that fact that Aaron and I did what God was telling us to do and still, I thought at the time, He wasn't being faithful. Which then made me think of the first one and started to believe He hadn't been faithful with that one. Second, because we chose not to tell anyone we were pregnant but our house mates, I felt really alone in it. Emily, one of our house mates, was really sweet and gracious to me. We had really some really good talks and I will be forever grateful for those times. But I still felt alone. I felt like I wasn't allowed to tell anyone one else but those who knew. I didn't talk to God at all about any of this. I wanted comfort and love. I felt like I deserved it but it was awkward to tell others that we were pregnant and now we're not. How are you? Again, I kept God out of all of this. I didn't want to trust him.
When our church started going through the book of Job, like I said before, I hated it. It took me so long to say to God I was angry at Him for what "He had done to me." My heart was softer to being a parent. I was excited. I thought He had our back. God, what are You doing? It was hard to be there and be truthful to myself about it. I hated the fact I was angry at God because I knew/know how good God is. It was such a conflicting thing. I started opening up to God about what I was feeling and why, and to others at church.
The Sunday our church was ending the series, I want to say either the Friday or Saturday before, Aaron and I were laying in bed praying. He said his prayer then I started with mine. For some reason I decided I was going to be totally honest with God with both miscarriages. I wanted to tell God to His face He wasn't faithful with either of my first two pregnancies. But then I stopped right before I said it. I knew right then that if I said that to God, it wasn't true and I would be lying about God. God very clearly put on my heart, "I am God. You are not. I am faithful
." I felt so humbled in that moment and oddly enough, a wave of peace came over me. God was faithful in my first two pregnancies even though the outcome was not what Aaron and I expected. That Sunday when the Job series ended, Pastor Dan preached on when God asked Job, "Were you there when I created the world?" I was totally humbled again because I realized that is what God did to me while I was praying.
Also on that Sunday another friend checked in on me to see how I was doing. I told her that I was doing better and told her what God had done that week. I also told her that I wasn't in the mood to be pregnant again any time soon. I felt I wasn't ready and we weren't trying. Then jokingly I said, "It would be so like God to get me pregnant to prove a point to me." That Wednesday, Aaron and I found out we were pregnant with Eleanor.
All that said, as much as it hurt, I'm grateful to God He lead us through all of it. I write that with tears in my eyes because I know He is still healing me. Aaron and his rock solid faith in Christ never doubted what God was doing. Aaron was and still is such a blessing to me with all of this. God used both miscarriages to soften my heart to becoming a parent, taught me how to trust Him even when He leads me into a storm, and shown me how He used the miscarriages to be faithful in other aspects of my life which blows my mind, and we wouldn't be having our baby girl in 4 weeks if we hadn't lost those other babies.
Each of our babies had or has a purpose. I grateful for being able to carry those first two babies and looking forward to meeting them in Heaven. God used them for His glory and now they are hanging out with Him. I've already started to see how God is using Eleanor for His glory. It's really cool to see.
This isn't talked about and I write today for those women who feel like they can't talk about what it is like to have a miscarriage. Those who feel trapped that they can't talk about their pain. I love you. So does God. I wanted to share my story because I want to tell you that you are not alone and there are so many women out there like you. When we let ourselves talk about it, there is healing. When we go to God about it, He can heal it all.
I learned a month ago that the hymn "It is Well with My Soul" was penned by a man who lost all his children. I had no idea that was the context of that hymn. With both miscarriages, that hymn always seemed to find my ears. I am so grateful for God being faithful even those small things.
It is well with my soul.
