I write this for those who have lost a baby in or out of the womb. For those longing to be mothers but nothing seems to be happening. I write for those who have a growing belly and are not sure if they will be a good momma because they never had baby fever, questioning if they will ever bond with their baby. I write this to tell you that you are not alone and there is a God who is even more faithful than we can ever imagine.
It was mid-June. We learned I was pregnant with our 5th child. We were excited and a bit overwhelmed but we serve a good God. He has better plans than we do.
The weekend after the 4th of July I went on a girls trip to Chicago with a friend to enjoy the city and go to our friend’s baby shower. Since I was only 6 to 7 weeks along, we weren’t telling anyone yet. The evening my friend and I got into Chicago, I started bleeding. I told my friend so we could pray and our group prayer message at our church. I didn’t want to lose this baby. That night in my prayer journal I asked God to save this little life but Your will be done. I asked Him to help me walk this path, whatever it was to be and to help me trust Him no matter what. That was the hardest prayer to ask when your heart is breaking. I stopped bleeding that night.
Saturday we had a blast running around downtown Chicago and that evening we went to Harvest Bible Chapel for church. The song they opened their worship service with was “It is Well with My Soul.” I started sobbing. This hymn followed me around during my first two miscarriages. I knew at that moment, God had me right in His hands. As the worship went on between the songs and the sermon, Psalm 23 was preached on, God used everything to speak to my heart. I knew everything was going to be okay and I had complete peace no matter what happened with this baby.
I started bleeding again on Monday and I went to see my midwife. She told me I was bleeding too much for a normal pregnancy. I knew then God had taken this baby home. I had an ultrasound and we saw there was no movement. But I had peace.
Aaron stayed home with me for most of the week while everything passed. I cried, we prayed but knew even though our situation was heartbreaking, we had peace. God was holding us as we went through this again.
This was going to be a pregnancy announcement but instead, I serve a God more faithful than I thought. Yes, it hurts to lose another baby, but to see how much God has changed me through the hurt and pain, I know He worked everything out for good and His glory. All three of our babies served their purpose and are with Him. And I’m so excited to meet them in Heaven.
It is well with my soul.
It is well with my soul.
